You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
