I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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