so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
