All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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