My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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