Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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