My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
