You're earring is so big in my mouth
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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