she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
