My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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