i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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