Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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