I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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