it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
