Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He passed out mid-signature
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
