Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
