Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
