The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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