Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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