I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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