Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
