Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
there is glitter all over my balls
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
