My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
