just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
