I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
