What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
