Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
