I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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