I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
