just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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