i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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