Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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