If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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