Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
