I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
