exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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