I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
