This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
