I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
