she takes plan B like it's going out of style
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
How's work?
Spinning.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
