And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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