I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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