I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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