you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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