Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
