Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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