he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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