I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
