I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
