he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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