Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
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